You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
