You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
