Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
