i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
