I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
