hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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