The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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