She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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