would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
