is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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