Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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