when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
