Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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