Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
