she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Randomize
