I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
