I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
