Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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