I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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