I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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