You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
