My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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