Do you still have your period?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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