Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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