hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
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At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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