So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
