i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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