Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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