He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
