Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
