My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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