I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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