oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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