I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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