So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
