Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
