Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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