if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
