A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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