lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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