What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
