Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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