i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
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I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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