My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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