just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
