He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
