It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
