Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
