Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
