I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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