maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
