oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
