Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
