So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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