Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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