That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
