Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
