Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
