I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
